I queefed so loud it echoed.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
