the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
