It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Randomize
