I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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