Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
