I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
