She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
