So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Everclear isn't food dammit
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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