my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
