True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
