just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
