Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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