omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
