can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
