Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
