I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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