my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I party with great urgency now.
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