I wannas sexs uuuuu
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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