im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
