I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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