Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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