who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
