They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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