you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
