i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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