I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
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i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
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We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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