Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
