The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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