I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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