What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
