My first STD was from a foam party
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
