I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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