i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
And then my night got REAL pukey
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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