you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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