In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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