saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
