Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
