I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
