This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
