Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
