Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
