weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
