i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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