Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i will never coherently bang her
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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