You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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