Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
