i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
