Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
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I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
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Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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