I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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