i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
