i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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