Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
