I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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