So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
