So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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