i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
