Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
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YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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