I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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