Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
