shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Randomize
