Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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