I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
