A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
So apparently I’m into choking now
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