I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
